Aimless & Lost...

Updated: Aug 30, 2021


I only have the same few photos, so I have to use them over and over...


It's crazy how empty I feel. I don't know how to make sense of anything in what I do, but more so, in how I feel. There is a hollowness in parts of me, but the sensation in my heart feels like it is dying. I just don't know what to do. It hurts.


I get lost in the in the translation within my mind of trying to navigate my way through...but my beacon of light has left me floating aimlessly.


Aimlessly...


This seems to be the word that pops up relentlessly in my mind, and fills inside my heart. The more I go into it, I often am left feeling on the verge of throwing up. I haven't eaten much. I don't care to drink much...bit of water here and there. I can't keep focus. I don't want to. I'm having a hard time with concentration. I don't care.


I think of the way Michelle would look at me and talk to me through this. I know she would tell me to carry on. Thinking on that, I just find myself hurting more. It makes me see her beauty in the way of who she was...and I hurt.


I haven't seen her for six years, but I feel her gone right within my cells. Nothing feels right. Everything feels off. I don't know. I just don't know.


The only thing I do see within it all, is that the depth of pain that has been shredding me to pieces has only been a reflection of the extent of the love I have for her. I didn't realize how much that was there until I was slumped over at my kitchen table in a puddle of tears on the first night. When the pain forced me to get out of my home, and just get on with my swims, it was when I was in convulsions in the water that showed even more of all of that.


The pain, the hurt, it hasn't gotten better. It only gets worse.


I hate everything about this...


Aimless and lost is all I can keep coming back to...


And then I cry...



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