Cracking To My Own Pressure Again (Nov 29, 2021)...

2018 Pavilion Triathlon (west of Kamloops, BC) - Photo by Gary Winslow...

(Raw & Unedited)

I'm really starting to crack in my own head. This waiting is eating at me. My Ontario trip is behind me, but I can't go south to start racing until mid-January...another 1 1/2 months. I like a lot of what I am gonna be doing in that time, but I won't feel comfortable until I am on the road driving into triathlon world. It's the only thing that is on my mind driving every day. I have a bunch of adult, life changing, decisions that I am in the midst of making in too short of time. My mind is starting to cave in on itself under the weight of it all.

I've often lived where being uncomfortable has become what is normal to me. There's so many reasons and layers to that. One of the things it is great for, is being able to navigate my way through challenging times, and trudge into overhauling change into the blind unknown.

In the final moments from my second overnight swim, this past summer, I felt like I shed a weight I had been carrying for at least two decades. That was about the devastating pressure I put on myself that gnaws away at me relentlessly.

It has become quite an interesting thing for me to talk with people about how all I do is feel like I fail because I only fall short of what I know I can do. It has tortured me over the years...really badly. The odd thing to me is the reactions of others when I express that sentiment. It's a contrast in terms to me 'cause they seem to see this apparent crazy-ass shit that I do, whereas, I just see falling short of capability.

After doing that second swim, I thought I was past all of that. Now, I have this lingering sensation that it is still poking around, because this angst in my head, that has been eating away at me is all too familiar. I know the only thing that is going to alleviate that is on the road to triathlons. Nothing else.

There is nothing else!

The biggest question that lingers is, how can I push time forward a month and a half...'cause I certainly can't stand the chaotic turmoil swashing around within me. It's driving me nuts. I need to go. Desire is all gone now. It has evolved beyond that. I need to do this. I have to do this.

There is only triathlon...

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