I just got made fun of in the sweetest possible way for how stupid I am with these dumb pocket computer phone things. Watching me handle this thing made it appear as though I put Maddy through some from of mild torture, and maaaan, did she ever express that in the cutest way ever...you don't even know! (Giggle.)
At one point she was turning away and falling into the couch with her hands on her face, in a state of giggly horror, while I was cursing at that bastard computer phone.
Me to myself, seeing her do that...
"That was pretty good!"
Even though I was literally cursing that thing out loud, I was still fully aware of what she was doing, and I was appreciating every bit of it. You don't even know how amazing that was, maaan!
Maddison was just horrified at how much I don't know of what has apparently been quite basic for too many years. It was the best thing! It makes me feel like I made the right decision to hold out this long with these fancy phones just so I was able to share in that moment with this really special person.
You see, I finally just got to meet someone I have been looking forward to meeting for the past 22 years, and I don't know how to explain what I'm feeling right now...
Hmmm... Because of my old history with the family...
Meeting Maddison was like meeting an old piece of my heart from a different time ago that somehow added another layer of completion to my soul. It has left me with this mix of emotion that is built on a foundation of love, but a love of a different kind...
One of a kind... I know that for sure!
It's really hard searching through my head to try and attempt any kind of way to put a label on this. This is a first.
This is also the second time on this trip that I have been sideswiped by a moment that has left me reeling in thought of trying to understand the waves of emotion pulsating within. It is another one of those new kinds of love to me...and I'm bursting with it.
It's an overwhelming sensation. That's for certain.
I even had some nervous butterflies in meeting her when she came home after work. Hearing her mom simply talk about her gave me butterflies. I don't know why, but those lil' bastids were swirling fierce in my belly. When Maddy walked through the door, In my head, I was like...
"Wow. There she is. Shit, why am I such a tool? I'm so nervous...even though I totally shouldn't be..."
I'm still fighting for the words to define to myself. I mean, how do you express a deep rooted love for someone you have never met, and then upon meeting her, something just melts within you in the most pure and profound way that is completely new?? I don't have any answers for that.
Sometimes my brain can really frustrate me because it seems far behind where my emotion seems to tread. I don't know how to put labels to something like that. Half the time that I was looking at her, I quickly started wondering a simple question to myself...
"Is this what angels look like?"
It must be!
I was fully there in the moment, but I was off in some other world comprised in terms of the divine. It created a deep physical warmth. I almost didn't want to look at her though, because I couldn't stop staring, and I didn't wanna come across as a total creepshow. I kinda felt like Wayne & Garth in the permit office on Wayne's world 2.
(This is all totally true, by the way, no exaggerating for effect. She pushed me somewhere beyond.)
Something I thoroughly enjoyed, was that I got to make her laugh, even if it was completely at my expense for not knowing shit, I got to make her laugh. I was quite conscious of that at the time as well.
(**Her laugh... Oh my goodness... Her laugh!! That is some heart melting stuff right there!! If you wanna talk things you can't get enough of, Maddison's laugh is a great place to dive into a conversation like that. Holy smokes!)
I appreciated every short moment, from when she walked through the door, until she went up to sleep for the night. Every little bit of it!
It's 3:30 in the morning, and I'm sitting here sifting through my knowledge of feeling & emotion, trying to grasp some kind of comprehending notion within it all. It's not working though, and it's kinda frustrating me, which is a kind of indication of the overflow of emotion. I loved meeting Maddy so much that all the right words got sucked away and left me only knowing ones that aren't good enough.
**The next morning, we all went for a walk to a little river in the autumn forest. There was a little box on a tree that had a little gratitude book for people to write in. This is what I wrote...
"Standing in gratitude with a full heart and a lost part of my soul. <3 "
Me - Maddison - Andrea
After I left their place, I stopped in for an ice cream...of which, Fennario was more than happy to help me out with...