(3:30am raw writing with this song on repeat...no editing, no re-reading...out with it and go...)
It keeps rattling in my head about how and when I am gonna wake up from all of this. Right now, I feel like I am never gonna change how I feel about all of this. Nothing feels right. It's actually quite wrong. There is not one thing proper about losing Michelle, and me still being here. I don't really see how there could be a dumber thing than that. In all the choices of, The Maker, that have been spread across the time of humanity, this is the most nonsensical.
A complete lack of sense!
I peer into the future when I look at my denial right now, and I realize that my feeling of the wrongness is never gonna leave me. It's like a lifetime of heartbreak lie ahead of me regardless of the path I stumble onto.
The other side of that notion speaks of the reflection into what Michelle actually meant to me.
I knew Michelle meant the world to me. In a real short time, she literally changed everything about my life. I've been aware of that for a long time. Luckily, I've spoken with her about it too. Even though all of this is true, and I've nourished the emotion behind it, everything that has been happening within me since I found out she was in the hospital, and then passed on days later...
I never saw this coming!
I still hold true to the instinctive reaction that all the best parts of my soul got ripped out of me. It has been hard to find my breath. I lose any sense of composure many times a day.
The thing is that I don't even want to be OK. I just want her back with us. I want to hear her voice again. I want to drift away while I barely hear what Michelle is saying because I'm so lost in her sweet tone. I want to feel the presence of her gentle aura.
The people that knew her well, know what I am saying when I talk about Michelle's sweet tone, her gentle presence, and her beautiful kindness that subtly shines outward and permeates everything it comes in contact with.
It was as if she was an unbelievable anomaly of everything good.
In looking at the moment, I just wanted to see her one more time. I was coming. I was so close. I have been thinking about it for months. I just wanted to see her. It didn't matter how she was...fragile or strong, happy or sad...
I just wanted to see her...
I wanted to touch her presence while I told her the simple words I know of how beautiful of a human she is. Even if when I was there, and knowing what was about to happen, I just wanted to hold her hand and be there for her...
I can't get the image of her in her hospital bed out of my head from when I was swimming those two nights. Whenever I see that, aside from wanting to trade places, the only thing I see is wanting to have been there holding her hand. Whether in silence, or talking to her, I just wanted to sit there. Even despite how hard it would be to have seen her like that, and how it would be burned into me for the rest of my life, it's the only thing I wanted to do...be there for her...
But I'm too late.
The thing where I said about the feeling of wrongness of all this never leaving me?! Well, the next part of that is another thing I have been saying since I found out she was in the hospital...
I'm weeks too late for the rest of my life!
I know that I'm never gonna let this go. I also know, with everything in me, that Michelle would give me shit for saying-thinking-feeling that. That makes me giggle to myself, but it doesn't change how I feel.
I knew how she changed everything in my life, and what that has meant to me, but it seems like there has been this explosion of love that I didn't know was possible in her passing. In all the pain and hurt, I'm aware of the ever expanding increased level of love as well.
Michelle gave me everything in life, but it feels like she absolutely sideswiped me in her passing. She's like that true Jedi who teaches you to find the force within, and then gives you even more in the master's passing.
I'm so conflicted with all of this. I'm lost in the wrongness. I'm overflowing with hurt and sadness. I'm learning new things about love that seem to be growing in infinite levels at an infinite pace. It's a constant push and pull of beautiful and hurt.
I just want her back with us. The world needed her. It still does. Carrying her name to the world for the rest of my time isn't enough. Michelle needs to be back her with us.
We need her.
I feel lost with her gone. Within that though, she has given me new purpose and direction, but I don't care about any of that.
I just want her back with us...