Nelson Burger Month Stop 1 - The Uptown Tavern

Updated: Nov 4, 2020

After the stranglehold feedback I got from my guests this summer, Pitchfork more than earned itself as the first place for me to check out during Burger Month in Nelson this year. They were undergoing some renovations and would not be open til Tuesday evening, so I walked down to The Adventure Hotel to begin with the festivities as I wanted to try to bang off two burgers in one at The Uptown Tavern, and one at Louie's Steakhouse. I went to The Uptown first.

When my server brought me my burger, I had to double-take it and ask him if that was their entry for burger month. He assured me that it was. It sure didn't look like it. It was unlike any burger I had ever seen before. I couldn't help but to laugh at it. I looked at my friends like...

"What the hell is this?!"

There was an unoccupied table in the corner that had the best light, so I got up to take my plate over there to take a photo. If it wasn't strange enough lookin' as it was, it became even more off-putting when I grabbed the plate. It was layered in grease on the underside of the plate. I think that is a first! I've had greasy plates before, but never underneath. That's some next level of impressiveness to have grease like that on the underside of a plate, let alone an ocean of it on the topside.

It was so perplexing that this was what was chosen for an entry into a burger competition. I don't even know what to call it, but there is no way I would consider it a burger. It seemed that it should more properly have some falafel's in the middle in the middle of it or something.

When I picked it up, I found out instantly why the plate (top and bottom) was so greasy. The bun seemed more like a big doughy lookin' cracker than a bun for a burger. The, whatever that supposed bun-like thing was, being soaked in so much grease made it quite literally disgusting. There is no nice way to put it. After feeling it in my hands I had to flip it over to get a good look at that disaster. Yup, that was a bad call, 'cause now I had to eat it after seeing it.

In the middle of the bun-like thing, there wasn't even a patty. It was just little chunky pieces of chicken, that, because of all the grease, just kept sliding out and falling onto the plate. It was as if they were like the people jumping off of the Titanic trying to save themselves!

There were some very, very acidic overtones in this so-called burger too. It seems harsh, but I don't even know what to call that, a burger it most definitely is not. This epitomizes the whole reason why I've never fully been into burger month, because people turn out these things that are so far away from what a real burger is, trying to re-invent it to make it their own, that it can just fall off the rails into complete nonsense. If my guests were to ask me about this, I would say exactly that, while adding...

"Don't waste your time or money on their entry, because it's not worth your time or money! You'll be really upset with yourself if you do."

It immediately left me feeling not very well. There was a grease slick from my mouth right down into my stomach, and I didn't like it one bit. The taste in my mouth was kind of horrifying too. On every level, it was a letdown of a culinary experience...and the thought that it is an entry for an annual burger competition is kind of embarrassing. It wouldn't be an unfair assessment to say that was a total abomination in regards to the context of what a proper burger is, and should be.

I'm really upset with myself that I put myself through that. I would tell every one of my guests to stay away because I am only concerned with my guests having a good experience during their stay with me, and if I sent them there for this as their one and only tasting in a burger competition, I would expect them to never stay with me again. What a shame!

**Regrettably, I have to put up this addition to both of the Uptown Tavern and Louie's Steakhouse posts...

I was messed up for the better part of two days from eating those two burgers. I was really feeling not well until I woke up this morning. (Two days later) I have been ill to my stomach, very lethargic through my entire body, and had a very strange head ache that impeded on some of my clarity of thought. I'm not exaggerating, or making it up, and it was directly from eating those burgers. It began virtually instantly from the overkill ocean of grease in the Uptown so-called burger, and then the extra dosage of grease from the Louie's burger. I should never have eaten the Louie's burger. Feeling as bad as I have the past two days, I am upset with myself for having made that choice to do so. That's all my fault though, because what else should I have expected from the same chef in the same kitchen?! I'm also somewhat disappointed with myself for not coming properly prepared as I didn't realize I was going to need my swim trunks and a snorkel to navigate my swim through that very ocean of grease. I don't know the proper words to convey how bad those burgers made me feel.

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