• roadtrippinwithmyd

Seeing Michelle In The Lakes East Of Kenora, ON & Figuring Out What I Need To Do (Sept. 14, 2021)...


I'm not too sure where I am...somewhere east of Kenora, Ontario. I forgot how beautiful it is around here. I intended to keep driving, but there were so many lakes, and with each one I passed, I saw more and more of Michelle, and felt compelled to take a writing break beside one. It's near dark, and chilly, but nice and serene, even though we're right on the side of the highway in a little pull-out space beside the tiniest lake, or perhaps, large pond...


I've done a few quick post-y things with my new fancy pocket computer thing, but other than the photo of the moon, they've all been pretty shoddy because writing proper on a laptop is where it's at for me.


So, where I'm at, in heart, not location, is easily summed up best by saying I have been crying my way across the country. I haven't stopped. I have been haunted by the whole notion of missing Michelle by only weeks of time. I can't get that out of my head. I find myself barreling down this steep decline into a black hole of denial, somehow expecting her to still be there when I get back to Georgian Bay.


Then reality slams into me, and I break down...again, and again, and again.


I see her everywhere. I don't know which is worse, day or night. The scenery, no matter where I am, has her plastered in my head because of her passion with the outdoors. I see her face floating through the sky. I hear her sweet voice in my head. Nighttime is a whole different thing though because all the visuals from the outside world get wiped away, and leaves me seeing her in my mind. It consumes me...


This is a really hard one for me to explain...


Everything becomes more vivid. Thoughts, feelings, the sounds of her voice, her beautiful face...


Her beautiful everything!


It just levels me as I race toward home to somehow be near her, even though she isn't there, and is in everything I touch, see, and feel around me.


At the same time that it is eating me up, it is filling me with this love that is so far beyond anything I have ever known...and then I break down again knowing she won't be there when I arrive because I was too late.


I've messaged a bit here and there with some friends when I take a break from driving for Fennario, or to fuel up my van. They pretty much all say the same thing about how Michelle knows how I feel, and that she wouldn't want me to be beating myself up like this, but that's of little solace to me.


I know exactly how she would be, and as I tell them, I would tell her that it doesn't matter...that she's worth it and means too damned much to me. I'll write more about that another time as my hands are getting numb right now and it is already pitch black....


I've been seeing further into what I feel I need to do. I don't even care about my podcast anymore, I just want to race...


...and race and race and race and race!


I want to do triathlons every weekend for the next 7+ years...and do it for Michelle.


That's another thing I don't know how to properly explain, but it's what I need to do...


And I just want to get on with it!!

I keep saying everything has changed, and it has, but that is such an understatement for the truth of what is real. Something happened to me in those swims that almost killed me while she was in the hospital. When I say they almost killed me, it's not a figure of speech, and exaggeration, or a metaphor to make a point, that is really what happened.


The only thing that saved me was my love for Michelle, regardless of the pain, torment, anger and frustration from not being able to get to her, or help her, or be there for her...


The helplessness...


I'm so tormented, but utterly and completely conflicted between the equal polarizing forces of the ever expanding love that is balanced in complete contrast by infinite devastation that I will never shed.


Why didn't I go back earlier?!


Why did I want to keep it a surprise and not message her that I was coming?!


I'm so horrified, and I'm sitting with it locked away inside my van while I see her face in every breath I take and every beat of my heart. I even see her in my dreams when I take siesta breaks.


Apparently there is a tornado possibly barreling down on my home area, and I still race towards it. I just want to be where she is, even though I feel her in everything I do and see her just the same no matter where I am.


I don't wipe away my tears because I want to feel every one of them fill my eyes, trickle down my cheeks, and even dry up all crusty. It doesn't matter because every one of them is a part of her to me, and I want to nourish it all, no matter how much it hurts.


I'm looking so forward to seeing so many people who I love to death, and who love me, who also shared life with Michelle, but I also want this trip over before it has begun in a way. I just want to get out on the road toward my destiny in triathlons for her. It is consuming me.


I am already hitting deep into that realm of obsession that I need to do all of this...


What I mean by that is that I have been planning on this triathlon to the world thing for a long, long time. I have had unbelievable obstacles and sabotage from my body. I have never been deterred, and have sacrificed everything to do so...never taking my eye of the goal of the mission. I know that this is going to tear me to shreds. That has never been in question. It will challenge, beyond any comprehension, every limit I could possibly have. (Not unlike the swims, but in a different way, and stretched over years of time.) All this is well known to me, even though so many people seem to imply that I am not aware of the reality of it all.


I assure you, I am aware!


The best way I can explain it is in a parallel term to Michael Jordan and the way he was obsessive about winning to the point of psychotic-ness. I feel the same. I've always known that I have to go straight obsessive to an almost psychotic point to pull my crippled body through all of this. That is an obvious given to me. Not only do I accept that, but I fully embrace it.


So, with that as my long standing starting point, now you have to enter Michelle into the picture...


This whole thing that I have been sacrificing everything in my life for the better part of two decades was all beginning with those two night swims I did...


Then I found out about Michelle the day before I got in the water, and she passed away the day after I was done...


I've already said that many times over, but the timing of it all, and who she was to my life...


The timing was insane!


Then, as I have also eluded to many times over, something happened in the water...in the cold dark of night fighting for my life while she was doing the same, and drawing upon my love for her to pull through.


I will never be convinced that the outcome was the correct one. I refuse to accept that! The wrong one of us came out of it.


It just isn't right...


I now feel like I owe her my life. I already did in a large part anyway because of everything she gave to me. Every single good thing about me came from her. I'll say that on repeat for the rest of my days as well.


Now, with me here instead of her, and knowing how wrong that is, I'm gonna give every possible drop of life force within me to dedicate to her. All this triathlon stuff for the almost an entire decade ahead of me is for her. I want to show the world the true impact that Michelle Ana Fabian had on those around her.


I cannot see anything else!


So, enter in the psychotic obsessiveness to pull this off, and now add in to the mix that everything is for Michelle, and I know I am walking into this realm of that conflicting tormenting love that is going to tear me to shreds and build me up at the same time. It's such an odd notion. I already feel it too. I do not like waiting for it to begin though...the triathlon part.


I am looking forward to going to places around our hometown that meant a lot to her...


...to talk to her, to be with her, to feel her, to see her, to listen to her...


To love her!


One thing I am really looking forward to is getting out on my bike with Sean and Shannon. They're straight savages on two wheels, and like me, they're feeling Michelle too, so I asked if they'd wanna get out for some riding...


But, for now, here I am racing toward a tornado to be close to the spirit of the one who changed everything about my life, and has filled me with a purpose to honour her in a way that words do not belong trying to put a label to.


And so I cry, and I lean into my tears.


Please be a bad dream...

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