The Two Mountains - The Bruce Trail On Blue Mountain & Hitting Tennis Balls At Mountain View...
It has taken me longer to do this than I had expected, or wanted, but I finally got up on The Bruce Trail on top of Blue Mountain to talk to Michelle in one of the places that I know was special to her. It was a bit of a strange day, but it felt really good to get up there. I'm gonna go back again for a bit longer of a time, but I found a good spot to go for access that is out of the way of most people.
It was nice to feel close to her. I knew that she has stood in some of the places that I would stop to look and appreciate. I was aware of that, and sunk into it quite willingly. As nice as it was, it also made me feel sad.
The sadness is very penetrating. Even though I enjoy being in the presence of somewhere special to Michelle, there is no solace. It's just more a sense of twisted emptiness.
When I could see that dusk wasn't far away, I came down off the hill to head back into town. I went straight to Michelle's school, Mountain View Elementary, where she was a teacher. I wanted to feel more of her nature. Michelle loved being a teacher, and I know how great she was at it. It seemed the right thing to do to finally stop in.
I brought my tennis racquet for this. I used to hit endless balls against the wall at my old school in the beach as a kid, and also in our time together. I hated being away from Michelle, so I would all too often go down to Oxbow to hit balls for hours just to think about her. My captivation with her had a death grip on me that I was powerless against.
I enjoyed being at the school, hitting balls, breathing in more of her spirit, but just like up on the mountain, it hurt and made me sad.
There is no respite from any of this. My mind is scrambled, my insides have collapsed within themselves, and I am in a perpetual spiral of pain.
I miss her...