Updated: Sep 3, 2021
(This was a comment I wrote in the thread from the slideshow video I made of Michelle. It got long, so I want to post it here as well.)
I'm just seeing more of these comments about this video I put together. Honestly, I'm just getting started with all of this. There's gonna be a lot more to come. I've never felt anything like this before. I've lost a lotta family members, and more friends than I could possibly count, but this is different, and I am learning the depths of truth about that more with each moment...forget about each day. I've never cried like this, and I've never felt like this. Michelle Fabian is the most important person to everything I've become...
I'm in steep denial, I'm broken into pieces, I'm exploding with love, I'm angry and frustrated...and I can't stop crying. I can feel it right in my cells that something is not right. Everything is different...and I am devastated by that.
...and all I want to do is trade places with her, and I'm mad that I can't...and then I cry some more...
I really do appreciate all the kind things y'all've been saying though.
My whole focus with triathlon has changed, and is now for her, and seeing that it has been a vision for the next 5-7+ years, Michelle is gonna be in my head every day because of it. I know many of you know how I have to kinda go tunnel vision psycho to do the insane triathlon-y stuff I do, as it is the only way I can pull myself through it, well, that is here again, but with Michelle as my fuel, and then the psycho tunnel vision stuff, I'm gonna be talking to her a lot, and writing a ton, so I have created a special page on my website just for Michelle. I won't be pushing everything out there in terms of on social media when I post something, because sometimes I just post quietly on my webpage, but have a feeling I am gonna write some epic shit, and if you're interested for seeing any of it, you can just click on this link and you'll be able to find it.
Seeing that I will be doing this for years, I'm not shying away from any emotion, and rather leaning right into it all until the very end of the vision I have with triathlon. First thing with that is to try to put myself in the Guinness Book...and do it in her name. I'm gonna show the world the true impact of this astonishing person.
I've told Jarka about this, and got the blessing to do so. Everything else has disappeared. There is only this. I've amazed a lotta people, for decades, with the shit that I've done, but as I have told Jarka, I'm just getting started. There is nothing else, and as I eluded to, I have to shut everything else out to be able to do this impossible task over the next many years, or I'll never be able to pull my banged up body through it.
Michelle was everything to me, and I'm gonna give everything I have for her.
Even though the first two were insane, and the water (and air) is colder now, I'm getting back in for another 10km night swim before I hit the road next week. I don't know how to properly explain it, but I need to do this. I'm such a mess that I feel the only thing I can do right now is get in the water and talk to Michelle while I am dragging myself through.
I'm so broken that I can't think of anything else. I just have to get on with it. Right now, I just want to be in the water on Sun or Mon night, and then out on the road talking to her...
Ontario, I will see you soon. I'll be back for Michelle's celebration of life, but I still might be having another one on her birthday, on the afternoon of October 3rd. It's still up in the air, but I got the blessing from the family, and am looking into it.
I love you everyone...