To Michelle...


Image from The List TV Show...


Michelle...


It's hard to say what I have constantly swirling within. I couldn't possibly have loved you more in life. You meant everything to me. I've said this before. I'll never stop saying it. Something happened to me in those swims when I was looking down upon you in your hospital bed...


Everything changed!!


I've said that too...but the thing that is inside me since your passing is past define for myself. I feel you infused within the essence of my soul right when I am on the precipice of walking into my destiny of an unimaginable task. I am so broken and devastated, feeling ravaged by ruin. I hate that you've moved on. There is something else though...


I feel invincible!!


The way I feel like I couldn't have possibly loved and appreciated you more in life, and what that felt like inside, feels like a pale distant notion of something so diminishing to what I am feeling now.


The loving explosion within, that is continuously growing with each passing moment, is beyond all concept to me. I've repeatedly said that you were otherworldly to me in life, and I meant so much more than that, but that now seems like such a disservice to you, and even to me, because of what has been changing inside.


Like a whimsical harmony of beautiful eloquence, I can hear your voice in my head, but void of words. I can see your movements with each wordless tone I hear you speak. I freeze in pause to listen. It melts me into a silent bliss as tear drops trickle down my cheeks.


As I listen in my tear soaked visions, I melt into a celestial realm where everything dissolves around me. You're all I can see.


Somehow, within all of that, I grow stronger, even though it is in a futile hope of bringing you back to us. Regardless of the finality of what has happened, I refuse to stop believing in everything of who you were, what you gave to the world, how you changed everything about me, and the notion that I will never stop the search to find you in the surrounding heavens.


Stepping into my destiny, with you fueling my heart, I feel like there is nothing I cannot do. I know I have inspired you in my time, as you have told me, but that inspiration was all rooted in what I found within you. Now it is super charged infinitely more, and even though my love is exploding beyond the edges of the universe, making me feel like I can conquer any obstacle I might ever face on my path to everything I need to do, it all feels so empty without you.


My conflict in the furthest polarizing edges of any kind of spectrum is real.


My exponentially growing love ~ My exponentially growing devastation...


They are in a constant all out war within me. I'm completely lost, yet I have the clearest vision for what I need to do. What was that song from a long time ago??


Everything I do, I do it for you?!


I'm consumed with my urge to try to do right by you...to give you everything you truly deserved, and I am giving everything I have to do so, but none of it feels right without you here to show you.


I know you can see me. I can feel that in every part of me, but it's still not the same, and doesn't feel like enough...


And I feel shitty about that!


When I fall into those thoughts, I hear your voice again, while I see your face, and reaction to me feeling this way. I know you would get after me about it...in your sweetest way ever. It makes me smile, but it makes me miss you even more...


...and I cry...


Why did you have to leave us?!

Why did you have to go?!

Why can't you come back to us?!


I know why it hurts so much inside because the hurt is completely paralleled with the love I have for you...


And so I enter into the conflict again...


I'm going to do everything I can to honour you, but the only thing I want is for you to come back to us. My heart is deflated at the same time as expanding...a walking contradiction. Opposing forces that are generated from the same place.


I'm trying to figure out if any of this matters, because the only thing I can see every moment of the day is that I just want you back with us. I'm tormented by the desire to give myself to have you here...to trade places with you...the only thing that is truly correct, but I know that cannot be done...


...and I cry...


Michelle...


As it plays on loop in my head, I will end the way I began...


I could not have possibly loved and appreciated you more in life, but it all feels like such a hollow shell to the amount of love that is continuously growing within me now that you have left.


What have you done to me?! You gave me everything in life, and now you're giving me even more in your passing. It leaves me with this question to the heavens, and to you, yourself...


How could anyone have ever been as special as you?!


So, here I find myself writing all these words to you once again, but saying nothing to what is really within me. I am tortured, but I am also in full gratitude. I'm walking around in constant disbelief of the person of who you are...and then the world turns off while I see your face and hear your voice...


...and then I cry...


I miss you so much, Michelle, but I love you even more. You are everything to me, and everything more.


I am broken

I am strong

I am devastated

I am love

I am lost

I am focused

I am conflict

Because I loved you so


Please come back to us...


I miss you.


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